I was writing a longer post I might finish one day.
In the past week a lot of things shifted for me. I somehow partially resolved some old pain.
I also disconnected from several echo-chambers as they started to affect me in ways I enjoyed for a while, but did not like for the long run.
The right to be here
Many revolves around “the right to be here”, including the topics of the echo-chambers I was drifting in for a few months. It helped me up to a certain point. This point was to understand that when someone says something shitty about you or someone else, it is OK to speak up about it. To address the person and tell him or her what you feel about this.
To recognize the bullshit that is used to silence these kind of responds including:
- “But I did not mean it that way”
- “You must be misunderstanding”
- “You did not listen properly”
- “You must be crazy”
- “You are overreacting”
- “You have no right to respond to me like that”
And to not let that response be more important than my own feelings.
What I learned
I learned something new in the past months, from the people I followed online.
- Patterns of abusive people — To recognize certain patterns of people who are abusive. Whether they are aggressive or seemingly friendly at first.
- That my feelings count first — That if I feel someone is not OK for me, I am probably right and right to be wary and/or walk away.
- That I have the right to call people out — I have the right to speak up and call people out: “this is what I think you are saying to me. This is what it does to me. Please clarify”.
- When people do (not) respect me— If people do not apologize for the hurt I feel due to their actions, there is no respect or consideration for me and in that case it is time to stand back, redefine the relationship or walk out.
- To stand my place — Mostly when there is something to protect. Like my partner. Or my work. This can — but does not have to — include physical and or verbal violence.
- To walk out — There is a point where things are beyond repair. These are mostly related to point 4.
It seems innate. It is not.
That same week I was reminded that I am a white person. It was related to a review I wrote, as I questioned one story to be speculative. And I quote: “because it echoes very much all the things white people have been saying to colored people in this genre”.
And I was like: “Did I read this right? All the things white people— What. The. Fuck?”
If my personal words “something something all the things white people something something” something something my white skin color then– what?
It does not matter who or what I represent. My skin color is white. My very personal opinion reflects “very much all the things white people have been saying–”
Here is the thing.
I am not only a person with white skin. I am also a mostly heterosexual person with a penis. I can be aggressive. I am a potential danger to many things and people for the fact that I am alive and human and from a society that is mostly fucked up. I might have several dark agenda’s with several things and the only way to really find out is to wait until I reveal my “true self”.
And I am done with this specific type of bullshit. It triggers all the wrong things inside of me.
- My social anxiety — Being so scared to do things wrong it used to freeze me as a child. Feeling guilty for crimes I never committed but MIGHT commit someday.
- My tendency to please others at my own cost — Including being an easy target for several forms of abuse
- My loss of identity — When the fear of what others might think about me come first, who am I? Where am I? What do I stand for?